I’m sick of it already!: Role Nausea in transitions
Layer upon Layer…
It’s a period of family transition in the Shinkai household as DH started a new job which requires a commute and has bumped me back into a food prep role a few nights a week. And let me tell you…I hate it! It is awful! Let’s not let an uncomfortable situation go to waste though…
In ORSC (Organisation and Relationship Systems Coaching), we talk about Roles in terms of the geology or strata of the complex layering of roles. I think this example of a simple transition to a new role shows all the strata in turn. Here is what I am uncovering so far and what it is teaching me about next actions.
Outer Roles
Outer role: executive function that keeps things running. In this case: meal planner, ingredient buyer, food prepper, dishwasher, nutritionist.
I can feel that I am “poorly occupying” this role. Lack of skills and experience due to 4 years of my husband taking this role 95% of the time
Inner Roles
Inner role: emotional functioning of a relationship. Here I see: nurturer, peacemaker (I want everyone to eat happily around the table), controller (desire to control what my children put in their bodies), experimenter (boredom with the regular simple meals). I’m experiencing “Role Nausea” I’m already sick of this after just three weeks!
Picky kids, turned up noses and half eaten dinners are doing my head in!
Secret Roles
Secret Role: these are the psychological secondary identities. This is where it is starting to get murky and triggering is happening for me. There is a rebel part of myself rejecting the nurturer role. My feminist self is railing against the expectation of “mother” as nurturer and I feel also that my skill level in this area makes me feel not good enough or less than. There is a sense of shame lurking in the midst here which is compounding the lack of skill at the outer role.
Time Spirits or Ghost Roles
Time Spirits or Ghost Roles: these are the elephants in the room, invisible third party presence that influence the relationship.
Here we have the time spirits of patriarchy and gender roles, Japan’s focus on a mothers love being communicated by food (also prevalent in other cultures too but I feel the weight of this time spirit more in Japan where I became a mother), and the ghost of my own experience with a mum who didn’t relish the daily grind of those outer roles too.
So what?
Looking at the situation from the different strata has given me a sense of gentleness for myself. There is some detriggering work to be done around the secret roles and also a sense of changing my perspectives around the inner role - who asked me to play those role? Is this what my family expect or have I assumed too much? And how can I turn this into an opportunity for growth and adjust my relationship to cooking? Now is the time to pick up some new skills and confidence and joy in the kitchen.
How about for you?
What roles are you transitioning to at the moment?
How does the idea of the geology of roles help you to observe yourself in a new way?
And what can you do with that new awareness in terms of action?
